Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Know your "Why"

Before you create a profile on the online dating site, sign up for that singles activities club or walk into that singles bar, ask yourself this question, "Why am I looking for a partner?"

You may be thinking that it's a stupid question, but there are many answers besides the obvious.  Of course everyone wants to be loved and to give love.  But what if there are other reasons?

You may be bored with your life.  Maybe you have no friends.  Maybe your family lives far away and you feel isolated.  Perhaps you're struggling with finances or you need a place to live.  If any of these scenerios applies, then you should not be trying to date anyone.

A boyfriend or girlfriend is not going to fix your problem.  A romantic partner should become part of your happy life, like icing on a cake.  Your partner should not become your life or be the only basis for your happiness.

When I first meet a man, I want to know right away if he has friends and if he has hobbies.  I don't want to be his only source of entertainment.  I've had the unfortunate experience of dating men who had no social circles besides their families.  Not one of them was new in town so they had plenty of time to make friends.

Each man had common behaviors.  After the first date, he would form an unnaturally quick attachment to me.  One even told me he loved me after the second date.  I was not flattered by that but completely turned off.  Who falls in love after the second date? Worse yet, who admits it?

The men without friends would call me constantly, even three to six times a day.  Every day.  It was smothering.  I never got a chance to miss the guy or hope that he would call. Instead, I sat there hoping he wouldn't call!

I don't want to BE someone's life and be his only source of happiness.  It's too much pressure. I want to be incorporated into an already full life.  I'm busy and I expect my partner to be busy too.

My advice is that if you're expecting one person to fill a void in your life, don't.  Go out and get yourself a hobby and some friends.  Your next romantic partner will be more excited about being in your life.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Landing the Big One

You've met that person.  The one who makes your heart flutter and puts a smile on your face when you see his or her name appear on your phone.  BUT, this "Big One" is hard to get.  The things that make the big one so desirable such as a great career, lots of friends, hobbies, and close family ties, also leaves little time for you or the development of a relationship.

What to do?  Pretend you're deep sea fishing and attempting to land a big fish.  It's not easy and takes a lot of skill and patience.  You have to be strong and focused.

The Big One has taken your bait and is hooked...at least temporarily.  The first thing to do is to give the Big One some slack.  The big one does not like to be chased and constantly hounded.  Giving a lot of freedom makes you look really cool and not that interested.  If you're not sure the Big One is still on the line, reel him in a little.  Send a flirty text or call just to say hi.

Pull the fish in and make it fight for a little while, then give it some slack.  When you do get to spend some time with the Big One, dress sexy and be sweet.  Show him or her what great company you are.  Then let the Big One loose to swim around for a while with no contact.  This constant reeling in and letting go will tire out a big fish and eventually make it easier to get into the boat.

That's your goal.  The longer you can play with the Big One, the stronger your relationship will become.  Good luck fishing! 

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Getting Noticed

I love going out with my friend Andrea.  She is the master at attracting male attention and it's fascinating to watch her work a room.  It doesn't hurt that she's young with exotic looks and a killer bod.

Andrea will make eye contact with every guy as she walks through a bar (or anywhere for that matter).  She makes sure that the guys she's scoping out have seen her.  Most will stare back and a few will come up to her later and talk.

My friend knows what all women should know.  When you are in public men are watching.  It doesn't matter if you're at the bank, grocery shopping, or driving down the street, the guys are looking.  The key is to look back.  Smile. Wink.  Work it girls.

It's harder for guys to get noticed by women because most of us are too inhibited to stare at people.  You may have to practically collide with our cart in the grocery store.  Hold a door open and say hello.

I would be interested to hear what has worked for you in the past.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

What To Do With the Lame Excuse

It's frustrating when you meet someone, male or female, that you really like and a couple of dates in, that person says:

"I just got out of a long term relationship and I'm not sure I'm ready to date."
"My ex boyfriend wants to get back together with me."
"I don't know if I really want a relationship."
"My last girlfriend really hurt me."

How do you respond to any of those statements in a way to salvage what could be a relationship?  First of all, don't freak out.  Be cool and try to think of a snappy comeback.  You could say, "I'm nothing like your ex "so and so" and you're nothing like my ex, so I think we'll be fine."  Or try "There's a reason that person is an "EX."  "It's time to put on your big boy pants and move on."

Although I'm good at not freaking out at bad news, I've struggled with the snappy come backs.  I would love to hear how you've reacted to comments like these.  Feel free to either leave a comment or send me an email.

Don't Fence Me In

I love male attention as much as the next gal, but I hate to be smothered.  I've dated guys who call me three times a day just to say hi.  First of all, I'm working. Second, nothing new has happened in the last four hours that I need to discuss.

The same goes for texting.  I've had text conversations that go on for hours.  They can be flirty and exciting as long as they don't happen every day.  Constant text messages can be really irritating.

I like a guy to give me some space.  When you're just getting to know someone, it's better to talk every few days.  Make her wonder what you're up to.  Give him time to miss you.

Being aloof and mysterious is better than panting after someone like a dog, right?

Saturday, August 28, 2010

The Red Flag

In the fall of 2009 a guy contacted me on plentyoffish.com (pof).  He was really enthusiastice about meeting me because he thought I was cute and we live close to each other.  I said I would meet him but didn't say when because I was also talking to someone else I liked.

After a couple of days, he sent me an impatient message to the effect of "you said you would meet me and it's been several days and you haven't told me when.  I guess you're talking to other guys that you like better than me."  Sheesh.  Red flags were popping up everywhere but I felt guilty too.  I promised to meet him so I did. 

He was tall, handsome, and not nearly so spastic in person.  We had a really nice conversation over coffee and he kept gushing about how beautiful and perfect I was.  Who could resist that?  He confessed that he had shown my picture to his co-workers because he was so excited to be meeting me.  I thought that was a little weird and over the top.  He was a very good kisser though.

He then invited me to his house for dinner two days later. When I got home from work, I popped on the computer and quickly checked my messages on all the sites I use, including pof. Then I got ready for the date and went over.

He had a beautiful house that was spotless and decorated to the hilt. The grilled chicken salad he made was actually pretty.  And he had a bouquet of flowers for me.  I was really impressed.  Unfortunately he kept asking me about my intentions on the dating site and was hinting that he wanted me to close my profile.  It was only our second meeting and I wasn't comfortable agreeing to be exclusive at that point. I felt pressured and I didn't like that.

When I got home later that night, I wasn't tired so I got on the computer to check my messages again.  Apparently, he did the same thing but logged onto pof to check up on me.  He could see that I had been on the site right before I went to his house.  Then he saw me log on while he was checking on me.  That made him really mad and he sent me a nasty email. I was only on pof for less than a minute so I didn't know he had sent me a message.

In the morning I texted him to thank him for a great night and flowers.  He didn't respond, which was odd.  I tried calling his cell phone and he didn't pick up.  I logged on to pof to see what was up and saw that I had a message from him.  I read it and tried to reply but he had blocked me!

Eventually he called me back and was very upset.  He accused me of being untrustworthy and a liar.  He had thought I was so perfect at first and was crushed to find out that I'm human like everyone else.  I said I didn't feel that I had done anything wrong.  Then he broke down and cried on the phone.  That really shocked me.

I felt terrible and asked him to reconsider breaking things off with me.  He said he would think about it.  After several hours of thinking, he decided that no, there was no way he could trust me enough to have a relationship with me.  After the same several hours, I realized that there was no way I could put up with that much insecure and controlling behavior.

I should have known from that first whiney email that he was going to be dramatic and controlling.  If I had listened to my gut and said no, a lot of heartache could have been avoided.  However, I no longer log onto any dating sites the days that I have dates.  I realize that may not look good and may not be very respectful.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Taming the Bad Boy

Steve Santagati, professional model, author and self-proclaimed "Bad Boy" wrote a book to help us women understand and land the bad boy of our dreams.  The book is titled The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think, Date, and Mate--and What Women Can Do to Come Out on Top.

Steve's advice is to "Bait us with your body, then keep us with your brains." When it comes to dressing, we women should  remember that men like a "hint" of trampy and men like a "little cheap."  Mr. Santagati reveals that men like cleavage, tight blouses, panty lines and fitted skirts.  Deep down you know it's true.  Women who dress that way are always more successful. 

I know what you're thinking.  I want a man to respect me and love me for what's on the inside.  He will..but you have to bait him first.  Here's another shocking revelation by the author: "...your job and your professional life are only marginally relevant to us, while your social skills and personality are pivotal."  If he asks about your job, tell him your title and move on.  If you prattle on about your position, you will bore him to death.  Unless you're talking about another kind of position that has nothing to do with work.

However, while you're at work, shopping, hitting the bars or taking a walk, keep this in mind.  I always suspected this and Steve confirmed it.  "Any man who approaches you, for any reason, at any time, may well be interested in you romantically or sexually."  Use this to your advantage.  Want to drive a man mad?  Pretend that you are not phased by his approach.

There are many, many more golden nuggets of advice in this book.  Read this book before you go on your next date.  You'll be very glad you did!